


stay

by zeloflake



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 08:50:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12701493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeloflake/pseuds/zeloflake
Summary: "Do you realize how alike 'leaving' and 'living' sound? It's almost the same pronunciation. Because that's what it means, to be alive. To leave, and to be left by other people. Even if you don't want to. Even if you feel like you shouldn't. Even when you can't; especially when you can't."2k





	stay

**Author's Note:**

> Important: This is a fanFICTION. It's not real, and it's not how it really happened. Many of the events are very different irl; Luhan did his last concert in his hometown before leaving, worked even while being sick and in bad conditions hence the lawsuit, etc. This is just a romancized version, combined with my favorite ship and some personal feelings. Don't take it too seriously, it's just a story I needed to get out of my system. It's also kind of my tribute to Luhan and a thanks for his existence, I guess.
> 
> inspired by this post on tumblr: http://meiren-menglu.tumblr.com/post/104868636335/the-most-important-choice-for-luhan

Luhan looked at the passport sitting on his lap. He was on an airplane to China, on what was the 50th time? 75th? He'd stopped counting long ago. This coming and going was slowly starting to drive him insane, he could feel it. When the airplane seat felt more familiar than your own bed, you knew something was wrong.

He was starting to drift apart. To be detached. He was never fully anywhere, not even when performing. He smiled at the fans and his teammates, and at night stared at the void in the back of his eyelids. He had gone to his parent's house for the holidays; then, back to practice. Then he went to promote in China, and a fansign in Korea, and another in China again. He didn't even feel the excitement of going somewhere anymore, since he was never able to enjoy it.

One night, he talked to Minseok about it. How he didn't feel like himself anymore. How he didn't even know what the meaning of the word 'home' was. How he could never be truly happy somewhere, because he knew it wasn't going to last. Always leaving exactly when he could be building something that would remain.

_Minseok looked worriedly at him. They had hit it off since predebut, and  now were pretty much inseparable. The closest thing Luhan had to a home was right there, in Minseok's arms._

_"Well, I think you know what you have to do." Minseok stroked his hair, small fingers running through bleach burned strands, "Even if it's a hard decision. Because of course it has to be. You can't keep on living like this, Luhan. You're completely miserable."_

_Luhan removed himself from Minseok's embrace, looking deep in the other's eyes._

_"But you make it better. When I'm with you, I never feel lost in the magnitude of things. You always have both feet on the ground, and I'm just there, right next to you."_

_Minseok grimaced, squeezing Luhan's hand._

_"Luhan... You can't keep enduring this so we can be together."_

_"Of course I can. I've been doing it so far."_

_"Yeah, but it's not fair."_

_"Life is not fair, Minseok. And I'm happy with you. You're the most important person for me, right next to my family. I can't even imagine what I'd do if we were apart. You've become such a constant in my life..."_

_"I know... It'  the same for me." He carefully pushed Luhan's head to his lap, and sang to the boy until he slept._

It hurt. Deep in his chest. Minseok was right - it wouldn't be easy, not at all. Doing the right thing is often the path filled with the biggest sacrifices.

First he had lost touch with his childhood friends. It was gradual, and he learned to accept it. Then, he became a trainee on a different country, and began to talk less and less to his school friends, spending weeks on Korea. He now knew that was simply how life worked - people come and go, and there's nothing you can do about it. You have to accept them when they arrive, and let them go when it's time to leave.

There are some people who change that, though. People who make you believe in the existence of soulmates. People who make you want to do anything - as long as it's with them. People who make you want to go on living; suddenly, everything is worth it. Just because you were blessed enough to be alive on the same time and place as that person.

Leaving seems impossible. It's like ripping apart one limb away from your body. But it turns out, the human being doesn't need that much to survive. We believe we're much weaker than we truly are. Something that seemed like your whole life will turn into nothing more than a fuzzy memory years later.

Do you realize how alike 'leaving' and 'living' sound? It's almost the same pronunciation. Because that's what it means, to be alive. To leave, and be left by other people. Even if you don't want to. Even if you feel like you shouldn't. Even when you can't; especially when you can't.

Luhan looked outside the window, remembering the last straw. The reason he finally mustered up the courage to enter this airplane.

_The members had just entered the van after a photoshoot; everyone was tired, either already asleep or listening to music, on a sleepy haze. Luhan looked at his phone, surprised at what the homescreen showed him._

_- > 28 missed calls_

_Did a sasaeng find out his number again? But those were calls from his mother. His stomach suddenly dropped, like he was on the downfall of a rollercoaster (he imagined that's what the feeling must be like, after all, his fear of heights never allowed him to actually ride one). His hands started to sweat, and he suddenly felt like fainting._

_Something bad happened. Something really bad._

_He waited until they reached their dormitory to call home, going outside with the excuse of wanting to stretch his legs. Yes, he would be careful. Yes, he'd have a cap and glasses on all the time. Yes, he'd be brief._

_After a very long conversation in which he finally convinced his manager he wouldn't be eaten alive by a legion of murderous obsessed fans, he grabbed his phone and dialed the number he knew by heart._

_"Luhan?" His mother answered on the first ring, "Oh my God. I'm so glad I can finally talk to you."_

_"Hey, mom." His tone was soft and loving. After all, his mother was one of his favorite people on Earth. "What happened? Is something wrong? You got me really worried here."_

_"Yes, son. It's your grandfather."_

_Suddenly, Luhan had to sit down. Right there, on the stairs leading outside of the building he had lived in for the past 3 years. What could have happened? His grandfather was such a strong figure in Luhan's life. He taught Luhan what it meant to be strong, and to pursue his dreams. He could never forgive himself if the last time he saw his grandfather was 6 months ago, on a hurried lunch visit. They didn't even get to talk properly, because he - obviously-  had a schedule. When didn't he, these days?_

_"What happened, mom?" Luhan took deep breaths, trying to calm himself down, "Is he alright? Don't tell me-"_

_"Yes, Lu, he is just fine now. But he had a stroke. He's now on the hospital, resting. The doctor said he's going to be alright, but possibly lose some of his memories and motor skills. It all depends on the recovery process. And we're going to have to be there for him, helping with whatever's necessary."_

_"God..." Luhan was in equal parts relieved and scared. He was alive, at least. But what was going to be of his grandpa now?_

_"When can you visit, son? It's important that you are here. Not only to help, but because if you're not, he might even forget you."_

_His entire body froze. They were in the middle of preparations for a new album. They had a concert next week. His next free time was going to be in over two months. And even then, it would be a maximum of 3 days. Nowhere near enough time._

_He thought about his options, remembering the conversation he had with Minseok. Some choices weren't easy, but they had to be made. The right path was so often the one with the most sacrifices. He loved that boy so much, it made his damn bones ache._

_"I'll book the next flight home, mom. I'll explain it later. I love you."_

Now it was done. He was on the plane, waiting to arrive in China, hug his mother and take proper care of his grandfather. He was happy to be able to see his family, even given the circumstances. They were precious to him.

It was early morning, and the news would begin to appear at any moment. Then his leaving would be public knowledge, and his fans could start to grieve.

There were some people who already knew, though. He'd talked to his members last night. Some understood, some didn't take it very well. They were all surprised, though.

Minseok, however, wasn't. He had a blank face while Luhan told the news, only raising his eyebrows, as if he already knew what even Luhan didn't.

" _Hey. We'll be okay, won't we? We'll survive this. It's not like we'll be idols forever. After all this madness ends, we can reunite again."_

_Minseok was helping Luhan pack. He had always been better at these things; he even covered up his hurt expression pretty well._

_"Of course, Luhan. If our feelings stay the same, nothing will stop us. I understand you're doing what you have to, and what you feel is right." He folded a gray shirt and turned to face Luhan, "In some ways, I knew this had to happen. And I hope you're happy there."_

_"I do too. And I think I can be. But you have to know, Minseok, I'll never be whole- a part of me will forever stay here with you. Take good care of it, okay? For me. Please."_

_"I will." Minseok stepped closer to Luhan, his fingers ghosting over his lover's cheek. He took one good look at the boy - it would have to last for God knows how long. And he kissed Luhan's forehead, gently, loving. It would be his blessing for the journey to come._

Luhan wiped a sneaky tear, the other hand resting on his forehead, remembering the warmth of Minseok's lips. He had promised him not to cry again, and he wasn't going to. His face was already swollen from last night, and it wouldn't do any good.

He put on the seatbelt and turned his phone off. He'd check the news when he got home.

 

A few months later, Luhan was performing on a year end show, when the interviewer asked about his choices. He blanked for a bit, remembering everything he'd gone through since the day he decided to come back. Had it been worth it? Was he happy? What is happy, really, if you can't feel whole?

It had been good, though. He had spent a lot of time with his family, making up for what he'd lost. His grandfather was already much better, and Luhan went to physiotherapy with him every week. His mother smiled every single time she looked at Luhan that first week, a surprised look in her face, like she had forgotten he was still there. He actually felt right, doing what he was supposed to. Like he had his priorities straight, for the first time after so long. He didn't regret it, one bit.

"I think you have a lot of choices in life. But to me, the most important one was to go home."


End file.
